(Because even magical kingdoms can’t escape bad customer service.)
1. MORDOR — ★
“Too many stairs. Too much lava. Zero handrails. Customer service nonexistent — had to walk myself the whole way to the volcano. Also, giant flaming eyeball won’t stop watching me while I sleep. Would not recommend unless you enjoy despair and mild heat stroke.”
— Frodo B.
Pros: Great views, excellent for cardio.
Cons: One does not simply… enjoy Mordor.
2. HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY — ★★★★
“Food is amazing, ghosts are friendly, but safety protocols are nonexistent. Nearly got eaten by a three-headed dog in week one. Also, 50% chance your professor is evil in disguise.”
— Hermione G.
Pros: Free housing, teleporting staircases, magic everywhere.
Cons: Basilisks, trolls, homicidal textbooks, unpaid house-elves.
Owner Response:
“We take student safety seriously. All future Dark Lords will be dealt with after final exams.” — Headmaster M.D.
3. WESTEROS — ★★
“Weather is nice until the zombies show up. Zero job security for nobles. Weddings are traumatizing.”
— Sansa S.
Pros: Gorgeous castles, dragons, ale.
Cons: Betrayal, plague, child kings.
Update: Dropped from ★★★ to ★★ after another invasion and surprise beheading.
4. NARNIA — ★★★
“Came through a wardrobe expecting adventure. Got frostbite and roped into a war with a talking lion. Also, time dilation is insane — missed 12 years of Netflix.”
— Lucy P.
Pros: Friendly beavers, great fur coat fashion.
Cons: Evil snow witch, limited Wi-Fi, occasional spontaneous prophecy.
5. GOTHAM CITY — ★
“Loud at night. Constant explosions. Billionaire vigilante keeps denting my car chasing clowns. Rent is too high for a city that’s always on fire.”
— Anonymous Commuter
Pros: None.
Cons: Literally everything.
Owner Response:
“Justice has no curfew.” — B. Wayne
6. RIVENDELL — ★★★★★
“Peaceful, beautiful, everyone sings for no reason. I came for one night, stayed for 200 years. Elrond’s hair game? Flawless.”
— Aragorn S.
Pros: Excellent ambiance, eternal youth.
Cons: Hard to leave. Like, literally impossible.
7. THE DEATH STAR — ★★
“Got a great deal on a timeshare, but the place exploded before checkout. Also, terrible air circulation. Long hallways with no exits. Staff mostly clones.”
— Wedge A.
Pros: Big open concept design, perfect for dramatic entrances.
Cons: One thermal exhaust port ruins everything.
8. NEVERLAND — ★★
“No taxes, no bedtime — great for kids! But pirates constantly shoot at you, and the mosquitoes are the size of small birds.”
— Wendy D.
Pros: Flying! Eternal youth! Mermaid lagoons!
Cons: Creepy immortal boy won’t stop following you around.
9. FORKS, WASHINGTON — ★★
“Rains constantly. Locals sparkle in sunlight for some reason. The high school cafeteria is 80% awkward staring.”
— Bella S.
Pros: Romantic vampires.
Cons: Romantic vampires.
10. MIDDLE-EARTH AIRLINES — ★
“No flights available. Apparently we have to walk to Mordor. Again.”
— Every Hobbit Ever
11. RACCOON CITY — Zero ★
“Checked in for a work trip. Everyone’s dead. Still got charged a cleaning fee.”
— Jill V.
Pros: None.
Cons: Zombies, evil megacorp, everything’s flammable.
12. THE SHIRE — ★★★★★
“Charming cottages, second breakfasts, zero drama. Only downside is occasional wizard dropping by to ruin everything.”
— Sam G.
Pros: Food, beer, fireworks, naps.
Cons: Adventure recruiters.
13. THE UNDERWORLD (GREEK EDITION) — ★★★
“Beautiful rivers, great ambiance, but the ferry system is terrible. No return policy. Staff are… skeletal.”
— Orpheus O.
Pros: Dramatic lighting, moody atmosphere.
Cons: Customer service literally ghosted me.
14. DISNEYLAND — ★★★★
“Honestly, this feels like every fictional world mashed together. Expensive but magical. I saw a duck wearing pants and no one questioned it.”
— Mickey M.
Pros: Churros. Music. Talking animals.
Cons: $12 water bottles.
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