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The Superhero Workout + How to be a Real Superhero

I wrote this mostly for amusement. I highly doubt anyone will do it.

Every superhero needs to stay in shape so how do you do it? [As per Batman, Green Arrow, Punisher and any of the other non-superpower heroes.]

First, the fundamentals...

#1. Cardio, Weightlifting = Speed + Endurance + Strength. A good superhero will want a combination of all three. This means a lot of time spent sprinting, jogging and lifting weights in the gym.

#2. Versatility. Being able to swim and hold your breath a long time might be an asset. So a goodly amount of swimming will help build muscle, endurance and speed too. Consider any activity that is exercise that boosts your survivability as a prerequisite for becoming a superhero.

#3. Healthy Food. Pop-eye eats his spinach and so should you. A healthy and strong body will never be attained by eating donuts and potato chips. Eat smart, eat healthy and your body will build muscle faster, burn fat and sugar more efficiently, and become a more effective crime fighting machine.

Next lets talk style... What style of superhero do you want to be? Martial artist, strongman, amazing archer, lone ranger?

To do any of these things much of your training needs to focus on that one goal. Thus the martial artist (a la Batman) would need to spend years building their martial arts talent. Same goes with the strongman building their strength, the archer their aim, or the lone ranger his skill with lasso / pistol.

After all the physical conditioning is done, then there is the matter of actually finding criminals. If you read any of the mass media reports of young men and women dressing up like superheroes and going on patrol what you realize is that they spend most of their time rescuing kittens from trees and helping elderly people across busy streets. (Boy Scouts and Girl Guides be warned, these superheroes are on your turf!)

Anyway, it seems to me the more logical way to find criminals is the same way police, Batman and similar superheroes do it. This means stake outs, solid investigation work, surveillance, looking for hot spots of criminal activity.

Motorcycle gang grow ops, port and border drug/gun smuggling operations, known members of the mafia, and possibly putting the squeeze on money-launderers working for the mafia (mafia run charities used for laundering money).

But hey, to be taking on organized crime you'd have to be either very brave or very smart.
Here is the trick to all this. Superheroes operate outside the law anyway, which means they can use techniques police would never use.

This means you can employ tactics the Joker (the Dark Knight version) would use. Burning arrows and gasoline are cheap and a quick way to remove a grow op.

Or you could just report to the police the location of the grow op. They might find additional clues if you do NOT burn it down.

In other words you would be "Surveillance Man" who sneakily finds out things and then reports them to the police. That kind of vigilante behaviour police probably would not mind so much.

But what if you get caught by the baddies while installing your surveillance cameras or while staking them out like a private investigator?

Option 1 - Run away. Use a faster mode of transportation if possible.

Option 2 - Swim away, especially if you are really good at it. Most people suck at swimming and will be unable to catch up. (Plus bullets slow down quickly when they hit the water.)

Option 3 - Fight then Flee. This is the proverbial "kick them in the groin and then run away" tactic. See options 1 and 2 over again.

Option 4 - Take a stand and fight. This could get you killed and should only be used as a last resort.

And I think this is why we don't see real superheroes in the world. Most people are:

A) Too nerdy to understand what it takes to be a "real superhero".
B) Lack the physical skill or strength. 
C) Don't exercise or eat properly.
D) Have no clue about how to actually spy on crooks or catch criminals.
E) Have inflated opinions about themselves but are actually cowards at heart.
F) ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Having lots of money (as per Batman or Iron Man or Green Arrow) is certainly an asset for any superhero, but in reality having lots of fancy gadgets are completely unnecessary.

A "budget superhero" like "Surveillance Man" could be equipped with a fair number of gadgets that include:

Taser
Binoculars
Spy Surveillance Cameras (pens and other small objects that have hidden spy cameras in them).
Brass Knuckles (which are illegal in some countries, FYI)
Pepper Spray Wrist Watch or Bracelet




They could even make their own version of the "Black Power Glove" (a la Boondocks) which uses taser batteries as the electricity source. They are basically "taser gloves".

So lets be perfectly clear.

There are plenty of "affordable" gadgets out there for any would-be superhero who wants to have lots of gadgets.


I have not been able to find any "exploding arrows" for sale online (probably because shipping explosives in the mail is illegal), but people could make homemade versions using a simple impact ignition switch and some C4 explosives. (Which means learning how to make explosives.)

Just don't drop the darn things.

So the potential to eat well and exercise is there. The gadgets are there. The real trick is whether there will ever be someone smart enough, strong enough, and brave enough to actually become a superhero.

And lastly modest enough to never brag about it to their significant other.

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